Dear Apple Store fucks,

   Clearly when I came in last year to purchase the brand new MACBOOKPRO I was a mac “newbie” CLEARLY! I mean I didn’t even know silver was the new color. I thought they were still in fucking white. I couldn’t even tell between a macbook pro and that air laptop shit. This has to be a common occurrence; the pc owner in awe of just the fucking store in general. Being able to touch anything and everything and employees casually stroll up to offer assistance IF NEEDED. UM….Customers should be given chaperone/escort/guardian type shit. Ofcourse I need “assistance”, I came in for a computer and Im touching an ipod like a caveman. I’m not even on the right side of the store for crying out loud. Thats to damn chill an environment to be on the wrong fucking side of the store!!! Like a fucking field trip to the imagination center  or imaginariam or whatever that place is called, from grade school! WHATEVER, dont you recognize the signs of a person who is learning to compute in an entirely new way! My god, the trackpad alone had be fucked up for months! You even caught me snatching my own wrist as I went to touch the laptop I wanted while in the store. NO. You just stood there with a glazed look on your face, probably STONEYBOLOGNA which in turn only enhances my STONEYBOLOGNA-NESS!!! I mean, granted, I should not have gone baked and dragged an even higher friend who was fucking acting awkward to cover up thier high. I get that. BUT come one!  AWKWARD=STRESS!!!  Why were your eyes so big, so fucking big you apple worker fuck?! AHHHHHHHHHH! I asked if I needed anything else when you handed me the mac box, “This is it?” I gasped. That sound, gasping by the way is code for “whaa what?!” I think I was in the store all of 15 minutes! It should take near the time it takes to lease a mid class sedan, like hours! Like a good chunk of my day! NOPE. You just handed the little box containing a device worth thousands right on over to me. Hmm, OH AND Icing on the cake?!  I drop it because I didnt know it had a built in handle…..REALLY?!!?!?!

 here ya go Courtney! Now go home, where its a mess and you spill drinks in your lap on the daily. The land of disco naps that have me awaken with karate kicks. Yup, go along now. Don’t forget to get high as a GOT. DAMN kyte and tinker with the many files and folders and apps as if you yourself were an apple employee, like Manager status employee. Like about to retire, knows the computer like the back of their hand EMPLOYEE! bye now

Signed,

“WTF, son?!”

P.S. You’re a fucking narcotics agent! ARENT YOU! I fucking knew it! Rotten bastard apple store!